Day 197: A keg a day will keep the doctor away!

DAY 197: I went camping this weekend (Days 192-194). Camping…no electricity, no running water, camping. Okay, that’s not exactly true. The campground has a bathroom with stalls, toilet paper, sinks, soap, paper towels, and showers and mirrors (which let’s be honest…when you are camping, no one needs mirrors. It’s a recipe for disaster. While camping one just needs to go with the natural side of things…that includes your face). So I was able to shower and shit in peace, but our actual campsite did not have those things. We arrived at around 3:00 p.m. on Friday with 15 of us in tow and immediately tapped a keg (and we had vodka and rum…oh and food and games). We played whiffle ball, conversated, and played drinking games. We got yelled at to turn our music off and shut up…a few times. The last of which was at around 2 a.m. (or so I’m told). Yet the next morning, we were all up bright at early (say 7:30ish or so) for our WHITEWATER RAFTING TRIP!! (and for some reason were surprised that the keg was almost dry). You see, we aren’t your average, let’s sit around, smoke pot, and talk about nothing for three days campers…we like adventure, we like risk, we like to DRINK…a lot. But the real adventure comes in with our trip down the roaring rapids in a one person ‘fun’yak…I’m not going to lie, while the guide was telling us about all the ways we can (and will) fall and get stuck and what to do to save yourself (apparently keeping your oar in hand is half the battle), I was looking for the easiest escape path. I had rafted before, but the water levels were HIGH, it was a Class 5 (which means MORE dangerous) and we had like 8 people plus a guide in the SAME boat. This time, we were on a smaller, class 3 river, the water levels were lower BUT it was just me, in a raft, with an oar, by myself.

Still I charged ahead as if I hadn’t a care in the world while I was quietly contemplating all the things that could go wrong. So I am one of the last to put my ‘fun’yak in the river and I start off great, learning the rhythm of paddling, enjoying the scenery until BAM…I’m stuck on a rock. I try all the ways to get unstuck they taught me and it works…then I have to do it again, and again…at about the 5th time (I’m sure it was more), I’m not having fun anymore and the river just looks like translucent liquid shit…what about this is adventurous? I continue down the river and I bump into a friend of mine who is stuck on a rock…I in my boat, bump into his boat and then push him off the rock and he goes along…I don’t…I’m stuck…so much for being nice…all the ways to get unstuck don’t work…I sit, I contemplate…what would Chuck Norris do…and then I start to tear up and think about how much this suck…Chuck would not do that, FAIL. Then I decide, fuck this…I’m going to OWN this river and I try to get unstuck again…nope, I suck, the rock is holding onto me like it wants my life or my tears…whichever I give up first. Then the nice guide (who I can’t tell is cute or not because he has on a helmet and sunglasses) comes up next to me and chats with me about where I want to go once he gets me unstuck – then he pulls my boat, sets me free and I’m on my way…I get out into the open river and notice that ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE GONE…I’m all alone. I hate rafting.

Until I realize, I’m in nature, I’m alone, I’m paddling, I’m not getting stuck…it’s damn pretty. And then I come to the first real drop! My boat gets turned and the guide yells…straighten up! Well fucker I’m trying!! My weakling NON-Chuck Norris arms aren’t working that well. So….I go down the rapid…backwards…and hell, it was damn fun!! I go down more, mostly forward, and I love it (I do go down one more backwards and the guide looks at me and then tells the next people to NOT do what I did…I RULE!)…I don’t fall…I make it to the end…I have the most MASSIVE blister on my finger, but guess what I DON’T CARE…I DIDN’T FALL!! Not once…and LOTS of people fell…which means I RULE!!

That's ME, going down backwards!!

We get off the river and well, we get another keg – it’s about 1:30 p.m. By 9:30 p.m., it’s gone…gone, dead, we question whether they gave us a full keg…it was full, we’re just drunk. So…to the bar we went (did I mention the campground also has a bar??) and had a great night drinking and dancing (I’d tell you more details, but honestly, you wouldn’t even get the jokes and the stories wouldn’t do the weekend justice, so I’ll just keep those for me)…BUT the whole trip was great…my stomach literally hurt from laughing (and so did the rest of my body from rafting). I couldn’t have asked for anything more…thank you rafting for making me love my life a little bit more this week. And thank you camping for reminding me how awesome my friends are and what it feels like to REALLY laugh. It should hurt and it should be the best hurt in the world.

This was a pretty optimistic entry, so I don’t really feel the need to do an optimistic spin, but for consistency’s sake I will. Optimistic spin: I came home with only one mosquito bite, I love my boyfriend even more, I feel great (maybe it was the keg a day), I have memories and pictures that still are making me laugh (and will forever), and I am not this guy, poor guy…we have pictures documenting the epic miscalculation you made of your awesomeness.

Can you see his hand??

Day 191: It wasn’t quite Deliverance, but it might have been hell.

DAY 191: Wow…it’s been a while. 24 days to be exact. Good news is, I’ve had nothing negative to really write about. Plus I’ve been really busy with a second job (that I will write about at some point.) Bad news is…now I do. But wait, that’s probably good news because I know you’ve all been missing my spritely brand of pessimism. So I’ll just get to it.  No pretty pictures...just story.

After 3 debaucherous drunken days of celebrating the fact that a bunch of white, slave owning aristocratic males didn’t want to pay their taxes, I had to head hungover (so much so that I couldn’t finish my McDonald’s fries) to the lovely O’Hare airport in order to hop a flight for work to Baltimore. Now I’ve said I’m not going to complain about work on this blog, and I’m not, but complaining about traveling for work…whole ‘nother ball game.

I get to the airport on July 5th (yes, I know…it was a set holiday at my office too…I had to work) and immediately notice something was off…I didn’t know if the travelers on this day were inbred hillbillies or if they were all still drunk or if it was just my tired, crabby mindset that made me hate everyone, but it seemed as though not one person understood what to do at an airport. So I maneuver my way around the hoards to security and realize, not only do the travelers SUCK, the workers do too…awesome. While the travelers crowd to get into security I try to make them realize this is not the line for security, they have to still walk, but no…they all wait for the woman to check their IDs…a good 2 minutes later she stops gossiping with her pal and says, oh go in there….ahhh, success. Optimistic spin: I didn’t hit anybody.

Security line moves without fail (surprisingly) and I get to go into a newly opened line. I zoom through (traveling so much makes me very good and getting that laptop and 1 qt. bag of 3 oz. liquids in and out) and go to get my stuff on the other side only to find 4 TSA agents in my way…gossiping and chatting about lunch. I patiently stand (and I am not a patient person) for them to move so I can take my barefoot feet over the belt and grab my flip flops. Finally, I say…excuse me and one of them moves, less than a foot. So I have to squeeze through…I’m convinced he just wanted me to rub my body near his (sick) and just as I go to grab my flip flops one of them goes into the rollers and gets pushed under the machine. Well the chatty cathys don’t notice so I just go on and crawl under that x-ray machine and grab it. Time to move on to the gate. Optimistic spin: I didn’t hit anybody.

After dodging some of the most idiotic travelers and being convinced all of the competent workers were given off July 5th, I get to my gate. I don’t have a seat (I already knew this, but hoped I would’ve already been assigned one)…so I wait, and I wait, and they board, and I wait…still no seat. They asked for volunteers, offering $400 traveling credit, but alas, I am still waiting…they call final boarding call, so I finally go to see what the deal is when I hear her say, we don’t’ need any more volunteers. Um, THEN WHY DON’T I HAVE A SEAT. I peek over the counter and there it is, the golden ticket, my name and a seat…I say, can I have that. Nope, wait. Then I hear them say to the counter girl…they are going to close the doors on these people, if they don’t go now…so I say…hey, can I have that. Still no…finally someone competent (as in, maybe has worked there over 1 day) steps in and gives me my ticket. Success! I’m on the plane. And about 10 minutes into the flight I realize so are 2 screaming children…wait, can I give back my seat? I survive…until I want to bitch slap the flight attendant. The beverage cart comes around and the guy next to me asks for hot tea. She asks him “How do you take it?” and he doesn’t understand right away, but then says “Oh, milk and 1 ½ spoons of sugar.” Okay, so maybe he doesn’t fly…no big deal. Apparently this particular flight attendant didn’t agree…maybe she was hungover too and wanted to slip those kids some Benadryl, but it’s no excuse for being the rudest flight attendant I’ve ever seen. She BLATANTLY makes fun of this guy to the other flight attendant right in front of him and calls him a “winner!” saying there is one on every flight. He asks her what she meant and asked if he made it hard on her, so she says no we just don’t have any spoons (with sarcasm dripping in sugar) and laughs. I’m not one that sticks up for people I don’t know, especially weird guys that sit next to me, but I really was about to Chuck Norris her face! I didn’t - figured I might get arrested. On a work trip. Anyway, he gets his tea and proceeds to spill it all over the leg of the guy sitting next to him…I stop feeling sorry for him…he’s an idiot. So 2 hours (or so…felt like 10) the flight lands and the screaming children deplane. Silence was never so golden. Optimistic spin: I didn’t get arrested, or hit anybody.

Other than the cab ride that smelled like a foreigner’s stinky armpit…the rest of my arriving in Baltimore was uneventful (apart from the terrible food, terrible service, a hotel clock set 20 minutes early, and no sleep) and I am happy to head back home the next day. I have a seat and the trip was a success. I get on the plane and find a shiny penny...my lucky penny...or not...then the plane is delayed for lightning in Chicago and this man across the aisle from apparently is under the impression the flight crew can control the lightning for him to get home…I mean, he is in the military and he has a connecting flight. He asks its 105 degrees out and we can't take off because of weather? Well, genius, it’s not temperature that stops a plane from flying. She tries to calmly tell him she can’t control the weather while he continues to berate her and the airline…giving the military a great name until she tells him that many crew members on the ramps have been killed from lightning so that is why they cannot go. Silence….very nice. We deplane, wait an hour or so, and reboard, wait an hour or so while he continues to talk and talk…people on the plane are cold to which he responds (outloud) its 105 degrees out and people are complaining they're cold (he must be stunned that it’s 105 degrees – I wonder to myself if he realizes it’s not 105 degrees on the plane…then, as he is talking on the phone I overheard him say… I asked her to check the weather in Chicago and she told me I might have to stay overnight, that's what I get?! They treat me like I'm the general public, I joined the military because I’m supposed to be treated different. Okay listen, I’m a big supporter of the military and they risk their lives for our freedom all the time, but this guy needs to be shot in the face. I don’t do that. Again, the whole getting arrested thing deters me. Optimistic spin: I didn’t have a gun and I will never have to see that man again in my life…oh, and I didn’t hit anybody. And just think my High School Dean told me I needed anger management classes….what a dumbass. I’ve got this shit under control.

Until next time…word to the wise. Don’t travel on July 5th and don’t travel with United. Oh and don’t hit anybody on an airplane…it just leads to trouble. Now when you’re river rafting…hit those hillbillies…they are scary sons of bitches…I’m going rafting this weekend, I’m packing heat.