Day 43: Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)

Based on all these Facebook posts I’ve been seeing, I’d guess Thanksgiving is no longer a day, it has now transformed into November being a whole month for thanks (gee, great)…thanks for turkeys, stuffing, potatoes and pumpkin pie.  Right?  Oh no…crap, I guess I missed the “real meaning” of Thanksgiving.  Which I guess is what?  Being thankful that the Indians didn’t scalp all of our ancestors so that we were allowed to reproduce and overpopulate this country that wasn’t ours to begin with?  Or thankful that our ancestors were big enough assholes to come here and take over in the first place?  I’m not quite sure where to go with this one…I mean, I understand the whole “true meaning” of Christmas (which we will discuss at some point in the future I am sure), but I’m going to argue that there is no true meaning of Thanksgiving, other than to simply…be thankful for anything you want to be thankful for.  We all know that people can complain, about everything from how the barista at Starbucks didn’t put enough whip on their venti double soy vanilla latte to how the neighbor keeps sneaking in their backyard to put coffee cans over the dog shit that sends smells into their yard…that’s all we see day in and day out, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch…and frankly (even though this blog is slightly BASED on bitching about shit)…I’m sick of it!  Although, I’m also sick of people being so positive and optimistic and posting things like – it’s only 5 am and I’ve already worked out for an hour and had my protein shake…so sick in fact that I feel as though I may barf up my breakfast doughnut and coffee while sitting on my lazy ass.  Okay, I digress…bitching was NOT the point of this post.  This post was supposed to be thankful…fuck!  I failed AGAIN.  Optimistic spin:  I can always try again. 

Starting over… I’m clearly screwed because I’m sick of bitching and sick of positivity, I guess since it’s become a month of thanks and I’m supposed to be trying not to be a bitch, I’ll join the positivity camp and see how it fits.  I am going to genuinely try to think of things to be thankful for everyday, sometimes I’ll post them, but most the time I’m sure I’ll forget or be too busy cleaning up cat shit and baby toys…either way…here’s today’s.

I am thankful:

• That I am afforded the constitutional right to write whatever I feel and think and share it whoever wants to read it (I guess those ancestors weren’t total assholes….oops.)
• For Pandora radio, Sam Cooke, and CW online full episodes.
• That my baby has a grandmother that not only watches him every Thursday out of the goodness of her heart, but also provides Mommy (me) with a large coffee from Dunkin Donuts every Thursday morning.
• That you are reading this.
• That I do not have to live in a domestic violence shelter hiding from a redheaded, pimply faced boyfriend that is an alcoholic, drug addicted, abusive,unemployed, douchebag loser…I think that covers it.
• That I do not have a dog that does this 

 

(then again, maybe that's not such a bad idea...less work for me!!)

• For hand sanitizer.
• For coffee, Reese’s peanut butter seasonal items (pumpkins, trees, eggs), Tums, toilet paper, and Parmesan (aka "stinky") cheese.
• That you are still reading this.

Optimistic spin:  November is only 30 days long…oh, and I really don't have to clean the cat shit...my non-abusive boyfriend does that for me. 

Day # I've Lost Track: Heaven is a Place on Earth

And apparently it is a Bongo commercial with Audrina Patridge.  Now, I hate to help her in her quest for a never ending 15 minutes of fame, but if I’m being honest, I’m a slave to reality TV…well not all reality TV, only the terrible MTV reality TV like Teen Mom, The Hills, and Jersey Shore.  I do watch some reality TV that indeed does showcase talent, but for the most part I don’t want to think too hard about what I’m watching when the people aren’t actors (and sometimes not even then)…and clearly…these people are not actors.  Case in point…Audrina Patridge’s latest stint in the “spotlight” – a fashion line….at Kmart.  Of course it’s because she wants it to be affordable and not because no one else wanted her…this is by far one of the most awkward things I’ve been subject to (and I have CW online episodes to thank for forcing me to watch it over and over again while trying to watch Secret Circle…)

I'm confused...who are they trying to market to?  Hmm, I guess maybe the pre-teens that watch Secret Circle…oops...

Optimistic Spin:  In the future, lovely little internet gems such as this video that are not truly worthy of full, thought out prose (ha!) will be posted on my "sister" blog done by the easier, more lighthearted me...check it out, it's just getting started Hahs, Wahs, and WTFs!!

Day 2: Something to Look Forward To

Day 2:  I often think about what my son (who I will call Little J) is going to be like when he gets older.  Will he play football like his dad or be a dancer like me?  Will he like his books lined up by size like me or will he prefer his books to be magazines like his dad?  Will he be a thrill seeker like his uncle or crazy like his cousins…case in point.  This was a story related to me by my sister some years back…whenever I thought my morning was crazy because my cat shit on the bed, I’d read it and laugh…now I wonder when I am going to get to tell my first story (but I still laugh).  

Location:        Suburban, USA, weekday morning

People:           My sister – the Mother (teacher)

Daughter M, age 3

Son M, age 5

Son C, age 6

My mother – the Grandmother

I had such an unbelievable morning, I just had to share…

First, Daughter M comes upstairs and insists on picking out my clothes for the day (would’ve been great had I wanted to wear a black strapless dress to work today) needless to say, she wasn’t too happy. After a 10 minute fit, she realized I didn’t have shoes yet and perhaps she can bully me into wearing the shoes she picked. In my decision to avoid another ‘episode’ I decided to wear the silver glitter flip-flops she insisted upon. I’m not allowed to wear flip-flops to school, but figured I’d grab another pair of shoes and put them on after dropping her off. Of course, I forgot to do that and am now hiding in my room with my silver glittery flip-flops.

I picked out clothes for Son M, handed them to him, said “Put these on now please” and proceeded to put their lunches in their boxes.  10 minutes later, as I’m trying to find a “rainbow” shirt for Son C (today is rainbow day in first grade) I look at Son M and he has his Home Depot apron on, only his apron. I remind him to go put his clothes on because we have to go “NOW!”

After the normal routine of Son C and Daughter M changing their outfits several times, cereal and milk on the floor, and getting backpacks together, we’re finally ready to leave, or so I thought. We walk out the door, start to get in the car, I look at Son M and he has his bathing suit on with a dirty shirt that doesn’t match….and it’s inside out. Obviously, not the outfit I picked out for him.

By the time Son M and I get back outside Daughter M’s crying that she won’t get in the car and she won’t go to my mom’s because she will only go to school, “NO WHERE ELSE, SCHOOOOOOL!”  I ignore her screaming like a lunatic, shove her in the car and drive to my mom’s. We get to the parking lot, I peel Daughter M from the car, and she proceeds to put the death grip on me. I can’t pry her off of me. Eventually, we loosen her claws, and detach her from my neck. She continues to cry, my mom picked her up and I ran.

As we start to pull away, my mom puts her down. She starts running after the car, screaming. The boys see her and yell “She’s coming, step on it”. I peel out of the parking lot, feeling like I was driving a getaway car. Looking through the rearview mirror, I see Daughter M, swollen eyes, red-faced, and I feel sooooo bad for leaving her that way, until, I overhear Son M say to Son C “Wow, that was a close one…we barely escaped”.  I start to laugh (what else could I do by this point), and we go to drop them off, the rest of the ride fairly uneventful.

As I’m driving back down Main St., I see a police officer. I stepped on the breaks (yes, I was running a little late so I was speeding). I thought “Oh crap, now I’m going to get a frickin ticket”. Relieved, I realized he was already busy with a different situation.  Upon driving past, I noticed who the situation involved…….no longer relieved….. it’s my mother and Daughter M.  I contemplate driving passed, pretending not to see them, but then I had to stop, damn curiosity.  Turns out there were a few calls to the police station about a child screaming and being chased down Main St. by some woman. People driving by, neighbors and the police thought mom was a kidnapper because of how loud Maia was screaming.  Turns out, they went upstairs and when mom went to the bathroom Daughter M escaped down the stairs and started running and screaming (Can you say psycho?).

Mom, the police and Daughter M were still walking down Main when I pulled away, looking through my rearview mirror, thinking about how much I’m going to miss this age when she’s older……..NOT!

FUN, FUN, FUN….. all this before 8:00 am

I’m not quite sure what scares me more in this story…the craziness of my niece (which in 4 years, hasn’t really subsided…we will talk about her evil persona “Mingy” in a future post I’m sure), the lackadaisical efforts of my mother to keep an eye on said crazy niece (which also not only hasn’t subsided, has gotten worse), or my nudist nephew who thinks you can go to school in a Home Depot apron and nothing else (luckily, this has gotten better).  If my son ends up getting any of these qualities, it’s going to be the latter.  He already loves being naked and grabbing his wiener.  Then again, said nephew once took a dump on a cookie sheet and brought it to me to show me what he made for me....why does my life keep coming back to shit in places it doesn't belong???  Let's hope Little J doesn't join in the poop party.       

Day 311-633: Don’t You Forget about Me

DAY 311-633:  Change.  It’s really the only consistent in life.  If it weren’t for change we’d all be sitting in diapers shitting ourselves all day screaming for our mothers to feed us from their teet!  Thank God for change…I really don’t like my mother that much.  I mean, I love her, but I couldn’t imagine having to see her everyday and having to listen to her tone deaf ass singing me “Hush Little Baby” or even worse “Jesus Loves You.”  Yes, mom…this I know, for the Bible tells me so.   Sorry, I digress.  It’s just all those years of her telling me to “Keep the Faith” when I had problems…other than being a mediocre Bon Jovi song, that term has never given me any solace.  Moving on…  

Change…there’s been a lot of it for me lately.  I moved (albeit like 10 blocks…), I started playing Fantasy Football, I’ve gotten out of debt (woo-hoo!!...except for those blasted student loans), I won a turkey, I’ve lost a brother in law (to divorce, no worries, he’s still alive), I’ve learned to survive the College Football Bowl Season without USC, I’ve reconnected with old friends, I’ve started eating cottage cheese and drinking coffee with no sugar, I bought an iPhone….oh, and I had a baby!!!  Yep, a little baby boy…possibly the coolest, cutest, most awesome creature I’ve ever known.  And what can I say, this little boy has changed me…he’s made me lighter, well, not technically…technically I’m still holding onto those last 15 pounds as if I’m worried at some point in the future I’ll be starving and need to feed off my own body fat, but hey, that’s neither here nor there….I have a kid!   

Sometimes, it still doesn’t seem real…that this cute little boy is mine and that in a couple years he’ll be picking his nose and giving me his boogers and then a few years after that he’ll be yelling at me to cut the crusts off his PB&J and then a few years after that he’ll be hiding his Playboys from me (wait, what year am I at…I’m thinking like 11…too young?  Trust me, if you knew his father you’d say too old considering I think he was making out with a 21 year old at the age of 13…)  Pessimistic thought:  I’m pretty sure this is sexual abuse and the girl was probably fat, ugly, and obviously deranged.  Optimistic spin:  My boyfriend is a mack daddy…a miggity miggity mack!!  (thank you Kris Kross for your never ending contribution to the world).

But really, people I haven’t seen in a while ask me what I have been up to and I honestly say nothing, other than my baby…and surprisingly I’m okay with that.  For now.  Sure, I haven’t slept more than 4 hours at any given time, but I’ve learned patience – one thing I was never able to master on my own – among other things.  It’s just that I forgot about me, the things I did before this amazing being came into my life.  For a while all I saw myself as was his mom, I wasn’t anyone’s girlfriend, friend, sister or daughter…I was just his mom.  It was the weirdest feeling I’ve ever had.  I actually had to learn how to be those things again while still being his mom.  Thankfully, that all came back, and now I am learning how to be me, but the new me.   

This blog is the first thing I think I’ve done since he’s been born that is truly just for me…that in no way benefits him, my boyfriend, or anyone else…except for maybe you, the reader, but that’d be PRETTY arrogant of me to think I’m that important…well, I guess taking a shower just benefits me, but I’d like to think it benefits the people around me too, since they have to see and smell me.  So almost 6 months of selflessness…ha!  Who do I think I am, I am a selfish person, always have been…or I guess, always was.  Pessimistic thought:  Great, now people are going to try to take advantage of me and make me watch their mangy kids since they think I am nice now…Optimistic spin:  Maybe some of those kids will be old enough to clean my toilets and wash my dishes!!  Cinder-elly Cinder-elly, night and day it’s Cinder-elly.    

Day 634 (Day 1): Let's Stay Together

DAY 1 (previously Day 634): 

Hi. 

Remember me? 

The snarky, sarcastic girl…the one on the journey of discovering how to look at the world in a different way?  A way where the beer glasses were full and people were, well…nice and interesting rather than annoying and ugly. 

I’m glad you’ve stuck around.  Please forgive me for my absence.   So now that we’ve made up and have this relationship back to tip top shape, let’s catch up!! 

Well, I’d love to say over the last three hundred and some odd days I’ve become an optimist, that I no longer have anything bad to say about the world, but then I’d be a liar – one thing I pride myself on not being and besides…where’s the fun in that?  For one, what the heck would I write about?  For two, who wants to read about how great someone’s life is…all that makes me want to do is say, well good for you, now shut the fuck up, go live your great life and stop wasting my time!  But I will say this…I’ve had some pretty monumental changes in my life over the last 324 days and it’s definitely changed my outlook on life, but it hasn’t quite made me an optimist…it’s only made me a happy pessimist. 

So here I go again, learning to see the world through rose colored glasses with a pessimistic eye, only this time…I’ll have a smile on my face.   Pessimistic thought:  I really need to get my teeth straightened and whitened…Optimistic spin:  At least I have teeth (unlike at least 2 people in my family!!!)