Day 2: I often think about what my son (who I will call Little J)
is going to be like when he gets older.
Will he play football like his dad or be a dancer like me? Will he like his books lined up by size like me or will he prefer his books to be magazines like his dad? Will he be a thrill seeker like his
uncle or crazy like his cousins…case in point.
This was a story related to me by my sister some years back…whenever I
thought my morning was crazy because my cat shit on the bed, I’d read it and laugh…now I wonder when I am going to
get to tell my first story (but I still laugh).
Location: Suburban, USA, weekday morning
People: My sister – the
Mother (teacher)
Daughter M, age 3
Son M, age 5
Son C, age 6
My mother – the Grandmother
I had such an unbelievable morning, I just had to share…
First, Daughter M comes upstairs and insists on picking out my clothes
for the day (would’ve been great had I wanted to wear a black strapless dress
to work today) needless to say, she wasn’t too happy. After a 10 minute fit,
she realized I didn’t have shoes yet and perhaps she can bully me into wearing
the shoes she picked. In my decision to avoid another ‘episode’ I decided to
wear the silver glitter flip-flops she insisted upon. I’m not allowed to wear
flip-flops to school, but figured I’d grab another pair of shoes and put them
on after dropping her off. Of course, I forgot to do that and am now hiding in
my room with my silver glittery flip-flops.
I picked out clothes for Son M, handed them to him, said “Put these
on now please” and proceeded to put their lunches in their boxes. 10
minutes later, as I’m trying to find a “rainbow” shirt for Son C (today is
rainbow day in first grade) I look at Son M and he has his Home Depot apron on,
only his apron. I remind him to go put his clothes on because we have to go
“NOW!”
After the normal routine of Son C and Daughter M changing their outfits
several times, cereal and milk on the floor, and getting backpacks together,
we’re finally ready to leave, or so I thought. We walk out the door, start to
get in the car, I look at Son M and he has his bathing suit on with a dirty
shirt that doesn’t match….and it’s inside out. Obviously, not the outfit I
picked out for him.
By the time Son M and I get back outside Daughter M’s crying that she
won’t get in the car and she won’t go to my mom’s because she will only go to
school, “NO WHERE ELSE, SCHOOOOOOL!” I ignore her screaming like a
lunatic, shove her in the car and drive to my mom’s. We get to the parking lot,
I peel Daughter M from the car, and she proceeds to put the death grip on me. I
can’t pry her off of me. Eventually, we loosen her claws, and detach her from
my neck. She continues to cry, my mom picked her up and I ran.
As we start to pull away, my mom puts her down. She starts running
after the car, screaming. The boys see her and yell “She’s coming, step on it”.
I peel out of the parking lot, feeling like I was driving a getaway car.
Looking through the rearview mirror, I see Daughter M, swollen eyes, red-faced,
and I feel sooooo bad for leaving her that way, until, I overhear Son M say to
Son C “Wow, that was a close one…we barely escaped”. I start to laugh
(what else could I do by this point), and we go to drop them off, the rest of
the ride fairly uneventful.
As I’m driving back down Main St., I see a police officer. I stepped on
the breaks (yes, I was running a little late so I was speeding). I thought “Oh
crap, now I’m going to get a frickin ticket”. Relieved, I realized he was
already busy with a different situation. Upon driving past, I noticed who
the situation involved…….no longer relieved….. it’s my mother and Daughter M.
I contemplate driving passed, pretending not to see them, but then I had
to stop, damn curiosity. Turns out there were a few calls to the police
station about a child screaming and being chased down Main St. by some woman.
People driving by, neighbors and the police thought mom was a kidnapper because
of how loud Maia was screaming. Turns out, they went upstairs and when
mom went to the bathroom Daughter M escaped down the stairs and started running
and screaming (Can you say psycho?).
Mom, the police and Daughter M were still walking down Main when I
pulled away, looking through my rearview mirror, thinking about how much I’m
going to miss this age when she’s older……..NOT!
FUN, FUN, FUN….. all this before 8:00 am
I’m not quite sure what scares me
more in this story…the craziness of my niece (which in 4 years, hasn’t really
subsided…we will talk about her evil persona “Mingy” in a future post I’m sure),
the lackadaisical efforts of my mother to keep an eye on said crazy niece
(which also not only hasn’t subsided, has gotten worse), or my nudist nephew
who thinks you can go to school in a Home Depot apron and nothing else
(luckily, this has gotten better). If my
son ends up getting any of these qualities, it’s going to be the latter. He already loves being naked and grabbing his
wiener. Then again, said nephew once took a dump on a cookie sheet and brought it to me to show me what he made for me....why does my life keep coming back to shit in places it doesn't belong??? Let's hope Little J doesn't join in the poop party.
