Day Eighty-Six: Old age really has its perks!

DAY EIGHTY-SIX:  I saw this video today about the sixties and it once again reminded me that I was truly born in the wrong era. Rather than Tool Academy on VH1, I’d be rushing home to watch American Bandstand. Rather than boys with long hair and tight emo pants, I’d be lusting after clean cut Elvis types (this is early sixties remember, Elvis just got out of the Army.) Rather than Young Money’s “I Can Make Your Bed Rock” on my iPod, I’d be listening to Chubby Checker’s “The Twist” (which hit #1 in 1960 AND 1962 – only song to ever do that.) Mind you, I don’t watch Tool Academy (religiously, only once and a while), don’t lust after emo boys and don’t have Young Money on my iPod (but I will listen when it’s on the radio), but I’ve always had a deep seeded affection for the 50s and 60s and when asked if I had to choose one type of music to listen to forever, I always say…the oldies. It makes me think, I should’ve been born in a different era…rather than 1979, how about 1949 or even better…1942. I’m not sure why 1942 seems to be the ideal year, but it is (I do like the #4, and the number 22). Just think, I would have been 14 when Elvis first came on the scene, 18 when he got out of the Army (legal age….if you know what I mean), I could have voted for John F Kennedy, been of drinking age when the Beatles came to America and been out of college before all the protesting, sit ins and riots started in the late sixties (if you know me, you know I’m not much for causes….good or otherwise). I would’ve been old enough to dance on American Bandstand, and old enough to drive myself (or shall I say, work and save money to drive myself) to Woodstock, Haight and Ashbury and wherever else I wanted to go. Just old enough where I could partake in the Summer of Love and whatever came with it yet know when to say when and get on with my life. And even better – I would have been 24 when the ’66 Mustang came out, I could have still had that car in my garage in mint condition right now….had I been born in 1942. Damn it!  Optimistic spin: I wasn’t born in 1942 because then I’d be sixty-eight right now….68!! That’s old. That’s legal retirement there…..which got me thinking again….other than having a wealth of memories and experiences, what does old age really give you?

Lots of great things came to mind that really make me look forward to old age:

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  Beautiful age spots that start to cover your arms and face making you look tan….sort of…in some spots

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  A titanium hip – after all, yours was broken, 3 times

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  A nice room of your own where they serve you your food and have games to play all the time, you know, the nursing home

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  An easy way to get around….your wheelchair

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  Lovely eyebrows that can change shape and even color whenever you want…because you have to draw them on every morning

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  Meals in silence – because you literally have nothing more to say to your significant other, or don’t remember how to be social and eat at the same time

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  Clear roads – since everyone steers clear of you driving because you can’t see and often veer into the other lane

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  No lines for the bathroom since you started wearing a diaper

Optimistic spin: It is sarcastic Wednesday (my favorite day of the week) and if you didn’t pick up on it – I was being sarcastic (as is my title). Really, I can go on and I know there are probably great things about being old, but I’m just not there yet. I have one grandmother and she’s bitter and miserable. I need to meet some old people that enjoy being old that have lived lives they love and tell great stories. Until then, I will just do all I can to remain young and prevent myself from becoming a miserable, old biddy with drawn on eyebrows that doesn’t speak while eating my burger at Red Robin, scowls at everyone in the restaurant and looks so mean, customers are fearful I’ll bite them as they walk by. Optimistic spin: I’ve got a vicious bite!

Then vs. Now (you choose...)

Day Eighty-One: Out of observations? Why don’t you observe while I kick your ass.

DAY EIGHTY-ONE:  I’m sitting on a couch in lovely Perrysburg, Ohio – it’s a Friday, I’m supposed to be taking a “vacation” day, yet I am at my laptop working…fuck my life. So in an effort to beat the man, I am procrastinating and decided to blog rather than work…take that work! Good news is, life has been pretty good lately – I had a great trip to Las Vegas where I was whisked away to nights of open bars, clubs and shows, days of helicopter rides, picnics in the Grand Canyon and massages….oh and gambling….and winning. Plus it was all paid for – yes ALL paid for (but for the gambling – and the $15 drinks at the club.) Unfortunately, this doesn’t make for good blogging….but don’t fret, I tried to dig deep (didn’t have to go too far) for some worthy observations…. But before I do that….how awesome is this (minus the LAME Notre Dame shirt!!)??

So, I’m in the process of trying to refinance my condo – this would be the 3rd attempt at refinancing since October 2008 – why so many tries you ask? Well, incompetent, lazy people that either a) suck at their job and fail to get the refi done; b) don’t suck at their job, but are too lazy to do what needs to be done to get the refi done; OR c) literally have no options for me. The real estate market sucks right now and I’m not going to jump on the soapbox about it, but I have to say, it’s really, really screwed me! Of course it doesn’t help that I am not only trying to refinance a mortgage in order to remove someone from being on it, but also to lock in a conventional loan before my adjustable rate jumps my payments by hundreds of dollars….oh and did I mention that apparently the value of my condo has dropped almost $60,000 or more since October 2008. The magic of appraisals, right? Such bullshit! I’m not an appraiser nor am a real estate agent, but I have some idea as to how these “appraisals” are done….and for houses it makes sense. You look at the homes in the area that have sold, check what they sold for, compare those to your home and voila – you have a value.  For condos, it’s similar I guess – problem is….they don’t seem to take into account whether your building is as nice as that section 8 eligible building a mile away – only if the square footage is the same. It doesn’t matter that your building has security, a pool, a game room or that your condo has hardwood floors, marble bathroom or diamond encrusted door handles (I don’t have these, but I doubt it would matter)…if they are both 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, they are comparable. Fuck my life (I recently came across a website called Fuck My Life….it’s awesome and gives me a good dose of “your life could be worse.”)  So, long story not so short – I may not be able to refinance which means, my ex may be on my mortgage until I sell or die, whichever comes first – oh and my payment might double by next year – better start selling my body for cash – what does a good blowjob go for these days?? Optimistic spin: I am not six months pregnant and pissing myself every time I sneeze.

One last thought: Why is when someone is really, really busy at work, they say they are swamped. I’m guilty of said usage as well, but lately I’ve been noticing it is under threat of severe over-usage. Technically, swamped would be derived from the word swamp which is an area of land that is fairly large, always wet, overgrown with plants, bugs, alligators…not sure how or when this word became a verb in the English language synonymous with being overwhelmed or busy at work, but it is - it's actually in the dictionary with this definition. There has to be a better word – if you insist on using a word of nature – what about tornado? Tornadoes are at least frantic, destructive, overwhelming….much more so than a swamp. So the next time you are busy at work and someone asks you to do something else….just tell them “I really can’t, I’m tornadoed over here…sorry.”  If they didn’t think you were crazy before, they will now – and really, isn’t that the fun….looking crazy when you really aren’t?  Or am I?  Optimistic spin: I have never been stuck in a tornado – literally. Wouldn’t mind chasing some though and if I'm crazy, at least it's fun.   

Day Seventy: I had Sex with over 800 people!

I haven’t been much in the mood for blogging lately, not because I don’t have things to complain about, but because some things are happening that has given me a better perspective on life and what’s important. My nephew has heart disease – he’s 9 years old and has what is called HCM and RCM. He was diagnosed about a year ago and this Friday he was admitted to the ICU. He needs a heart transplant – we are waiting for him to get stable enough to be put on the list. So at a time like this it feels inappropriate to complain about trivial little things that bug me…then again, I’ve never been one for being appropriate, so in an effort to maintain my status quo and not let my life get too overwhelming, I’m going to blog, as I normally would.

DAY SEVENTY: This past week I got to go on yet another work trip…difference is this time it was to somewhere warm, pretty and familiar. I flew to Phoenix and was able to spend two nights catching up with old friends….with food, airfare, hotel and a few drinks on my company. Not too bad. On the flight west they even played a movie – Up in the Air. I’m not sure if they play this movie because they want all the people on business trips to feel terrible about their lives or if they are trying to make them feel better since they are not as bad off as George Clooney’s character. Or maybe they just assume there are less business people on a flight to Phoenix as opposed to a flight to Cleveland or Newark (I mean, who flies there on a Wednesday for fun??). Regardless, I almost was not able to enjoy the movie. You see the woman next to me was, putting it politely, a bit overweight. I don’t mean to be insensitive or anything, but there really needs to be something done about fat people on planes. I’m not saying it’s their fault or that they shouldn’t be able to fly, but I find it absurd that you are required to pay extra when your luggage is one pound over, or if you want an extra bag, but the woman next to me can allow her fat rolls to literally rest on the arm rest – oh and my buttons to control the channel and volume for watching the movie. Excuse me mam, can you pick up your roll so I can change the channel and turn down the volume? How awkward!! Maybe the planes should install a few bigger seats – you know like the loveseats they have at movie theaters – bench seats – double wides – whatever you want to call them – so that these people have enough room to squeeze into. If they want to charge $50 more, then charge it – we know they charge for everything else. I’m surprised they still give you barf bags for free (which I actually looked for on this flight since it was quite turbulent at one point – I debated whether I was going to die…honestly.) Optimistic spin: The woman to my left, who was not overweight, was not partaking in the movie watching and kindly allowed me to use her headphone jack. Also, the hotel had a shower cap. I didn’t use it, but I like the option especially when I have to get up at 5:30 am for work after a late night visiting with friends. It doesn’t mean I’m dirty…hair doesn’t need to be washed every day, on occasion.

So, I’m starting to feel underwhelmed with television. This saddens me...I LOVE television and watch a lot of it. Ask anyone that has every watched my cats or come over on a Thursday night….you aren’t allowed to change the channel because my Tivo is recording two things already, at 7, 8 and 9. But honestly, I find myself just putting some of these shows on and letting them play in the background when I am doing something else. I’m not interested in whether Addison Montgomery is mad at Sam for dating a new woman when she was the one that told him she couldn’t be with him, for example. I think I need to start cutting some shows out, but it’s hard, I almost feel like I am cutting off a finger. Will I miss it? Will I still feel it there even though it is gone? Will I still be able to function properly without it? Good thing is some of my shows have ended or are going to be ending soon – forever. So the decision is being made for me – now I just need to resist adding NEW shows….like the spooky Happy Town starting on ABC soon. Optimistic spin: No matter how much TV I cut out, there will always be youtube and videos like this….but at least they don't take up room on my Tivo!

Day Sixty-Four: Target is better than fine!

DAY SIXTY-FOUR (technically Day Sixty-Three):  It was quite a day of ups and downs yesterday and for no apparent reason other than it was Monday and well, I hate Mondays especially this Monday since it meant I wasn’t going to be able to sleep in and wake up to someone making me breakfast for at least a couple weeks due to all the traveling that will take place in the upcoming weeks (this weekend spoiled me a little). Not that I’m complaining about the traveling – I get to go to Phoenix, Las Vegas, and Los Angeles without paying airfare or hotel – in fact, I was also supposed to head to beautiful New Jersey at the end of the month. This trip has been postponed which bums me out for 2 reasons – 1) given I missed Vinny at the local bar, I was going to stalk out some less famous guidos for entertainment and 2) I’ll have to be in the office for at least two weeks straight. The horror! I haven’t been in my office for a full week since the beginning of the year and I’m not sure I can do it. I think I might be sick around March 26th or so. Definitely feel a tickle in my throat. Optimistic spin: I’ve perfected the “I’m sick, but I have some work to do so I’m not going to take sick day” – thing is – it’s usually true….curses! Optimistic spin try #2: I’m slowly learning how to look on the bright side of things – case in point: I was looking FORWARD to a trip to NEW JERSEY!

Given I was suffering from a definite case of the Mondays yesterday, there were more than enough things that bothered me, but I'll selectively share. Let’s start with the word of the day. Fine. There is something about this word that just bugs me. It can be used in many ways that are acceptable, but the most common use of the word is when people are saying sure, okay, or that’s works. This usage is technically defined as “all right: being satisfactory or in satisfactory condition.” Like, how was your day? Oh, it was fine. Did you like that dinner? It was fine. Was the summary I wrote okay? It was fine. How do I look? You look fine. Did you want to come over tonight? That’s fine. While all of these things aren’t negative – it doesn’t necessarily instill a sense of excitement, happiness or even of simply above average. So here’s my plea – next time you are going to use the word fine, unless you mean to say, yeah, whatever, I don't care...try to employ a different word that is more expressive. How was your day? Okay, this might be the best time to use fine actually, so nevermind. Did you like the dinner? Yes, it was tasty. Was the summary I wrote okay? Yes, it will work well. How do I look? You look beautiful (many many words can fit here – all better than fine unless of course you mean fiiiine as in looking good…but no one really uses that word, so don’t try to pass it off…just play it safe and don’t tell a girl she looks fine.) Do you want to come over tonight? I’d love to see you, of course. You see – it’s not so hard. Optimistic spin: I’ve gotten my girly bitching of the day out of the way and can now be more productive.

So I had to get some things done last night – one of them – a trip to Target. Usually, I look forward to these excursions – however yesterday, I was stylishly outfitted in a baggie Blackhawks hoodie, jeans and a ponytail and did not want to do anything, other than get a hug and have someone tell me I was awesome. Yeah, the people at Target don’t do that – and honestly, if they did, I think anyone would be weirded out and never go there again. Anyway, I’m shopping along and decide to get some self-tanner. Why not, I’m going to some warm places and hell, I’m SICK OF BEING PASTY!! Normally, I’d take a hop in a tanning bed, but I wanted to try to be healthier – you know, avoid skin cancer causing capsules of death. So I buy this stuff and try it when I get home. Seems to work pretty well. It’s one that mists on you just like at the tanning salons. No streaks it says. I wake up this morning and don’t notice any streaks. My left foot is a bit tanner than the rest of me, but doesn’t look ridiculous. It says to do it a few times – maybe it’ll even out. Then I go to put my watch on….on the underside of my wrist, in the crease I am super tan….awesome. The super fine mist must have pooled here and deposited itself on my skin to form a beautiful orangey patch. What I will call….poo wrist. I've seen cases of poo finger or poo arm from people using the sunless tanning at the salons, but have never experienced pooitis myself.  Optimistic spin: It’s pretty invisible to people unless I want to show it off and I’m not one to flaunt my skinny boney wrists. But this experience has prompted me to realize some things. a) Be more careful with at home self tanner - it just as dangerous if not more so as to "professional" kind - or simply avoid it at all costs. And, b) it really isn’t the color you get from a tanning bed that makes me feel better – I think it’s the lights because my tan foot and wrist didn’t give me the boost I needed. I need sun and if Chicago is going to remain cold and cloudy, I’ll go get some artificial sun at the local LA Tan. I’m a risk taker – my dermatologist hates me. Optimistic spin: She a crazy German lady anyway, I’m pretty sure she hates everyone. Nazi blood and all.

Just to let you know though, I did get that hug yesterday and it was glorious and I did make someone smile (with a small gift I got a Target) and making this someone smile always makes me smile, so the Monday ended up much better than it began. Crazy how a trip to Target can do that for you. Who would’ve known? Optmistic spin: There are at least 4 Targets within 15 minutes of me.  Someone's looking out for the sanity of my soul.