DAY 155: Recently, I’ve been discovering a lot of pet peeves that I have. Just yesterday, I realized that no one (at my job) puts a comma before a conjunction to connect two independent clauses (didn’t we all learn in elementary school that a comma goes before the word ‘but’?) – it drives me crazy. However, I know that I over use the word ‘that’ so I’m sure I drive a “That Pet Peeve-ing” co-worker equally nuts. There are two others that I’m slowly learning I can’t stand – one having to do with me and one having to do with what is said to me. Jealousy and Lies. I think it’s pretty common to not like when you get jealous and not like when people lie to you, so why do people do it?
For all intensive purposes, I’m a relatively successful woman, I’m educated, gainfully employed, own a home, have family, friends and a boyfriend who are close by and usually pretty great. What’s there to be jealous of? Isn’t there always something though? (see post Beatles to the Rescue) It can be one little thing that turns you into the Incredible Hulk or Jealous Green Giant too. You’re already stressed and tired and worried or thinking about something and then this little thing that otherwise wouldn’t bother you and make you jealous, gets you right between the shoulder blades with a teeny little stab. I’ve never found myself to be a jealous person, but lately it seems to be creeping up on me more and more often. It leads to anger or distrust, and I just plain don’t like it. So, I did a little research on it and learned that jealousy in ingrained – it’s actually been observed in infants 5 months and older…5 months! We can’t even feed ourselves or express a single word, but we can be jealous. How am I to fight something that old?? Optimistic spin: I am not 5 months old, I am 30, and therefore, I have control over myself and my emotions. This jealousy will not get the better of me. At least, not this time.
What makes jealousy even worse is when it stems from or is coupled with a lie, a white lie maybe, but a lie nonetheless. For the most part, white lies are minor lies that are considered to be harmless or even for the ‘greater good’ – they are called ‘white’ because the color white is associated with good. We’ve all told them because we want someone to feel better, more secure, we want to avoid a fight…You ask your significant other if you look fat in this outfit (a question I never ask – it’s completely unfair…I just outright say, damn I feel fat in this - not asking for any response) or you ask a friend how you look after you are already out for the night….you don’t want to hear yes you look fat from the person you love and you don’t want your friend to tell you that you look like a beast when there is nothing you can do to fix it, but when does a white lie become a problem? For all of America, it becomes a problem when thousands of individuals try out for American Idol every year – assaulting our ear drums – someone, somewhere told them they sounded good – they didn’t want to hurt their feelings – a white lie – well now that white lie has not only led them to have an unrealistic dream, but it also led to that dream being crushed and forced American viewers to endure a little torture (hey, it’s torture when my sides hurt from laughing so hard….) Now for me personally, it’s a little different. For me, a white lie becomes a problem when you find out the truth and it makes you question everything that person tells you. Even white lies build up…
Lies start as early as 3 and by the age of 6, most kids lie a few times a day. This doesn’t stop either. Apparently research shows (don’t ask me what studies, I don’t know) that people lie constantly, that it is pervasive in everyday life…people tell two to three lies every 10 minutes, even conservative estimates indicate that we lie at least once a day. ‘They’ say people who deceive themselves also tend to be happier than people who do not, they are viewed as friendlier too – maybe that’s my problem…this whole pessimistic things is just because I don’t lie enough…Optimistic spin: I have just rationalized me telling more lies!!
But let’s be honest…while we think these little ‘white’ lies are harmless, no one likes to be lied to, even about seemingly trivial, irrelevant things. It damages intimacy and especially trust. You feel betrayed and wonder when it is they are telling the truth? I mean, it’s okay to lie about some things, maybe, but it hurts when someone tells you they love you and then ends up having a family with two kids, a dog named Tiger, and a cat named Azrael in another state. Not that this happened to me, but you get the picture. And we’re talking about white lies here anyway – that is CLEARLY a black lie. Optimistic spin: Let me reiterate…this has NEVER happened to me.
So, the next time you’re friend is acting jealous and it’s unwarranted and they ask you, am I being crazy? Say “hell yes you are!” Not, “No, not at all. It’s totally normal.” If she is being a loon, she’ll want to know it – otherwise, how can she change it? And if your girlfriend asks you if you’ve ever hooked up with someone, not because she’s jealous (yet…just kidding), don’t tell her no if the answer if really yes because you don’t want her to get mad or you don’t think it matters – because chances are it wouldn’t matter if you tell her the truth in the first place, but when she finds out the truth later and realizes you lied – well then it matters. And if your mom’s coffee is bad, don’t say you’re not in the mood for coffee and dash out to Dunkin’ Donuts, just tell her – your coffee tastes like tar and teach her how to make it better…I’m sure this will help many people in the future. And if your wife tells you she thinks you were flirting with a friend or co-worker, don’t deny it, it’ll just get her mad and she’ll wonder why you are not being truthful. Just say yeah, sometimes I flirt with Josie, but it doesn’t mean anything because I have no intention of getting involved with her...then add how beautiful your wife is and how no one is ever going to be better than her (hehe). And if your roommate asks you to watch a terrible TV show, don’t say you’ll watch it with her/him if you hate it and really don’t want to because then your roommate will think you like it and make you watch it all the time – and that would suck…for you. And if a boyfriend or girlfriend asks you about something, a fact or tidbit from the past, some little, stupid, non important fact – usually because they want to know you better maybe they are just curious, maybe someone said something that made them wonder - you may think it doesn’t matter – and as I said before, chances are it doesn’t, but just think to yourself before you tell a ‘white’ lie to ‘spare’ feelings, avoid a fight or because you think the truth ‘doesn’t matter’ –will the truth hurt more now coming from you or later coming from someone else? Because yes, the lie in and of itself might not be a big deal, but the fact that you lied about something so small and silly has to make one wonder…when is this person really telling me the truth? Optimistic spin: I don’t have one – lies suck. Period. However, I guess I should be glad they are white lies and not the “I have a family in another state” type of lies.
*Note: As I write this, an episode of Lie to Me is on and they are singing a song to a group of kids with these lyrics…perfect to close this with. “It’s feels alright and it’s more polite, but a lie’s still a lie even when it’s white. While it might be hard to say what’s true, would you want a white lie told to you?”
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